Old Dominion Christmas Cake

Over at Patum Peperium, Old Dominion Tory shares a family recipe, with very specific instructions.

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup of Black Walnuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Virginia Gentleman VG 90 Bourbon Whiskey

Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl, check whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one half cup and drink. Repeat, if necessary. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the whiskey remains good. Try another half cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the whiskey. Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to heat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the whiskey and wipe counter with the cats.