08 February 2012

Gifts for Your Manly Man, Part II

In spite of the fact that the Vagina Monologues has attempted to co-opt this holiday to focus on rape, human trafficking, lesbianism, and all manner of unpleasantness, and Cecile Richards thinks abortion=love, Valentine's Day remains, for the rest of us, a day that signifies romance and l'amour. As the holiday looms, men, single and married, begin to get that feeling of anxiety within as they struggle to think up appropriate gifts for their beloved. Women, too, can wonder what they should get for their fellows.

My dear ladies, know that there is only one thing your man wants on V-Day, and it starts with an s.

That's right: stuff--stuff he'll actually like. (What did you think I was going to say?)

Building on my Christmas wish list, I offer a few more ideas for women to consider this Valentine's Day for their manly man.

DVD collection of any film starring Russell Crowe or directed by Mel Gibson. Since their films generally involve intense action sequences, gore, and men heroically sacrificing their lives or welfare for the sake of others, you can't go wrong.

Women--get creative. Find a nice unused side table or drinks trolley and turn it into a well-stocked bar replete with your fellow's favorite libations. When he arrives home from work, greet him with a kiss and a glass of Jameson's on the rocks, a gin & tonic, a cold Martini, or whatever your man likes. (And if you don't know how to make a good cocktail, you can start here.) And there's no use serving up a cold one if you do so in frumpy bathrobes and unbrushed hair. Pretty yourself up a little before he arrives--you may have spent the entire day breaking up fights among screaming children, washing dishes, putting away a mountain of laundry, and picking up toys, but remember that nothing soothes his soul more than to come home to a contented wife. If you must unload, give a thought to his needs and at least give him enough time to kick off his shoes, have a drink, and relax a bit first...

Chocolate is not just for women. If your fellow has a sweet tooth, get him a few bars of gourmet chocolate--and splurge by buying European, not American. (The Europeans have been at it longer, and it shows.)

If you're in a place that's not too frigid and are near water, rent a sailboat for a day or a half-day. If your man can handle a boat, all the better; if not, you can rent the captain, too. Bring along a basket of sandwiches and wine, sit on the deck taking in the sun and water--and sometime during the trip you might nip down below deck and take in an extended view of the scenery there (sans captain)...

I don't think there's a man out there who wouldn't enjoy, at least once in his life, discharging a firearm. He might never have owned a gun in his life, but the chance to feel the heaviness of cold steel in his palms, to cock that trigger, aim, shoot, and hold firm on the kickback is a bracing experience. An afternoon at the firing range is sure to get his testosterone pumping, and will make for a lively and grateful man afterward...

Not for him, silly--for you. But he'll like them--trust me--especially paired with something like this:

The Word of God is symbolized by the sword, and its Truth cuts through falsehood as the sharpest blade. Your man will love this sword and its leather scabbard, engraved with the words Our Lord showed to Constantine in a vision of the Cross: "By this sign you shall conquer." Constantine went on to win the Battle at the Milvian Bridge, and became the first Christian emperor of the Roman Empire, establishing Christianity as the official religion.

Memento mori. Saints and doctors of the Church are often pictured with a skull among their books and papers, to indicate their contemplation of death, and their daily preparation to fit their souls for Heaven. This skull paperweight will help your fellow remember the words he hears as he receives the ashes at the start of each Lent, words we do well to ponder daily: "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

This old-fashioned brass shave kit, complete with safety razor, shave brush, and shave soap, will do a superior job smoothing away the bristles, leaving a clean, smooth cheek for you to kiss. Not only will it make his daily chore more enjoyable, it'll also save him money, as the soap lasts 10x longer than a can of shaving foam, and the blades are mere pennies to replace.

Speaking of the Word of God... Because your manly man strives after true holiness--as all true manly men do--you can get him the Bible of Bibles: the Douay-Rheims with Haydock's commentary. Your fellow will spend many happy hours perusing its pages and being filled with the light of the Holy Ghost...

No man can learn true masculinity unless he gets to know the Manly Man par excellence: Our Lord Jesus Christ. These powerful and insightful presentations of The One True Faith by Michael Voris will help your fellow grow in knowledge and love of Our King. And while you're at it, get him a gift subscription to ChurchMilitant.TV--for the true man knows that life is a perpetual warfare against evil--within and without--and this apostolate will equip him to confront and battle that evil with all the spiritual weapons at his disposal, through our Holy Catholic Faith.

Happy Valentine's Day!